A mere seconds-long voicemail from the main character’s sister tells me that Ishana Night Shyamalan has the same affliction as her father as it relates to ham-fisted dialogue. There’s a line where the sister says something like, “she’s been dead for fifteen years; at some point you have to get over it.” Look. As someone who’s had a dead parent for a long time, I’m not going to sit here and say that that shit doesn’t traumatize you or stay with you, but I will say I started cashing in on dead dad jokes in less time than that. It does feel (to me) like it doesn’t have to be that serious all the time. But, for someone like Dakota Fanning’s character, someone for whom it is this trauma at the forefront of how they live their lives, YOU’RE NOT GONNA LEAVE A FUCKING VOICEMAIL THAT SAYS THEY SHOULD GET OVER IT. Like, even if you’re siblings. Bitch, that is a face-to-face conversation! Anyway.
Maybe it’s because I suddenly have Nope on the brain, but it turns out I hate it when characters in horror movies don’t behave in the way a normal person would. Oh, my GPS told me to get off the main road? Hilarious. I’ll continue on this main road and your ass will reroute me, thank you very much. That’s what a normal person would do. I know characters in horror movies don’t know they’re in horror movies, but that doesn’t mean they should therefore abandon every shred of common sense. Now you’re lost in a forest with a stupid bird. [Presses earpiece.] I’m being told this is actually a very smart bird, but my point stands.
Something that made me laugh: Mina (Dakota Fanning) immediately saying she’s going to die some seventeen minutes into the movie.
About halfway through, after the old lady returns the bike, I start to feel kind of bored. I’m ready for the next part of this story. Which is a good time to get to Mina’s backstory, so good job, Ishana Night Shyamalan. But you know what? The backstory kind of sucks, lol. We learn that she’s a twin. We learn that her mom died in a car accident because she was reprimanding Mina while driving. So I can see how Mina could blame herself, and there is something way more traumatic about being there when your parent dies. AND YET. I don’t know man, it feels very simple. One nice thing about this flashback is that they show that while their mom was probably a cool lady, she was definitely not a cool mom. And Mina was annoying as shit as a kid, but you know what? So are most kids, alas. Forty-six minutes in and there’s our big, bad traumatic reveal. Fifty-five minutes to go.
Oooooooo creature reveal! Creature reveal?! Creature reveal! Ten points. Loved it. Creepy as fuck. Good job.
Love the “please Danny, I don’t wanna die” line for Mina’s character arc.
Okay then the reveal that they’re changelings. They’re repeating lines the characters have said perfectly. And I start to think, “oh shit, is Dakota Fanning like part changeling or something?” But also, kids are sometimes just annoying and love mimicking people. But what a coincidence, huh?
Okay a perfect second act. And a perfect tee up to the third act. I’m back in, baby. I’m on the edge of my seat. I’m ready. Please don’t M. Night this. Oh my God, are they all halflings?? Aww, she helped a fairy find its wings!
Having her narrate all of this to her sister feels a lot more wholesome than we need for a horror movie. I could see why it fit the book, but it feels like something we could do without on screen.
Verdict: 3 out of 5 stars
