Category: Horrorful

The trailer made this look like Ready or Not but with Zazie Beetz, so I truly didn’t even finish the trailer, I knew I was in. This movie was really fun.

The opening scene lets you know that it’ll be a bit heavier than Ready or Not, but Sokolov did an excellent job of getting us right into the thick of things. The first fifteen minutes have so many delicious and subtle creepy moments that make you excited for what’s to follow.

I also love a Nope-worthy protagonist: someone who’s on edge and not oblivious to the fact that there is creepy shit happening. Ultimately we learn why, but as a viewer, it’s nice not to be thinking “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT” every other scene. That said, she does manage to sleep through some pretty creepy shit, oh my God.

Things I really enjoyed:

• The tone setting by installing a sprinkler system in Tom Felton’s neck. The consistent level of slapstick gore throughout the movie.
• The reveal when we’re exactly twenty-nine minutes in. I could not be more seated.
• I love the stylistic choices Sokolov makes throughout the movie. I like the flavoring, it adds a little je ne sais quoi. Except, je sais quoi and it’s Kill Bill: Volume 1.
• Even the sounds are funny. At one point, Zazie Beetz’s character is stepping on a dude she’s about to kill, only for us to hear a squeaky toy as her foot makes contact with his back.
• Heather Fucking Graham, apparently!
• A surprising amount of acting takes place on the players’ hands and knees, lol. Very silly.

Every single fight scene was so much fun to watch. The fire fight scene with the Doechii needle drop felt like I was watching fucking art. Having the Nova Twins for Asia’s last stand was also clutch and the pig head element was a fun twist.

They Will Kill You is what happens when Ready or Not and Kill Bill have a baby with Zazie Beetz and add a sisterly zest. I love when a movie does exactly what the fuck it set out to do. 4 stars.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit I had no idea that was gonna fucking happen. Lmao WHAT. 4 stars.

A mere seconds-long voicemail from the main character’s sister tells me that Ishana Night Shyamalan has the same affliction as her father as it relates to ham-fisted dialogue. There’s a line where the sister says something like, “she’s been dead for fifteen years; at some point you have to get over it.” Look. As someone who’s had a dead parent for a long time, I’m not going to sit here and say that that shit doesn’t traumatize you or stay with you, but I will say I started cashing in on dead dad jokes in less time than that. It does feel (to me) like it doesn’t have to be that serious all the time. But, for someone like Dakota Fanning’s character, someone for whom it is this trauma at the forefront of how they live their lives, YOU’RE NOT GONNA LEAVE A FUCKING VOICEMAIL THAT SAYS THEY SHOULD GET OVER IT. Like, even if you’re siblings. Bitch, that is a face-to-face conversation! Anyway.

Maybe it’s because I suddenly have Nope on the brain, but it turns out I hate it when characters in horror movies don’t behave in the way a normal person would. Oh, my GPS told me to get off the main road? Hilarious. I’ll continue on this main road and your ass will reroute me, thank you very much. That’s what a normal person would do. I know characters in horror movies don’t know they’re in horror movies, but that doesn’t mean they should therefore abandon every shred of common sense. Now you’re lost in a forest with a stupid bird. [Presses earpiece.] I’m being told this is actually a very smart bird, but my point stands.

Something that made me laugh: Mina (Dakota Fanning) immediately saying she’s going to die some seventeen minutes into the movie.

About halfway through, after the old lady returns the bike, I start to feel kind of bored. I’m ready for the next part of this story. Which is a good time to get to Mina’s backstory, so good job, Ishana Night Shyamalan. But you know what? The backstory kind of sucks, lol. We learn that she’s a twin. We learn that her mom died in a car accident because she was reprimanding Mina while driving. So I can see how Mina could blame herself, and there is something way more traumatic about being there when your parent dies. AND YET. I don’t know man, it feels very simple. One nice thing about this flashback is that they show that while their mom was probably a cool lady, she was definitely not a cool mom. And Mina was annoying as shit as a kid, but you know what? So are most kids, alas. Forty-six minutes in and there’s our big, bad traumatic reveal. Fifty-five minutes to go.

Oooooooo creature reveal! Creature reveal?! Creature reveal! Ten points. Loved it. Creepy as fuck. Good job.

Love the “please Danny, I don’t wanna die” line for Mina’s character arc.

Okay then the reveal that they’re changelings. They’re repeating lines the characters have said perfectly. And I start to think, “oh shit, is Dakota Fanning like part changeling or something?” But also, kids are sometimes just annoying and love mimicking people. But what a coincidence, huh?

What a perfect second act. And a perfect tee up to the third act. I’m back in, baby. I’m on the edge of my seat. I’m ready. Please don’t M. Night this. Oh my God, are they all halflings?? Aww, she helped a fairy find its wings!

Having her narrate all of this to her sister feels a lot more wholesome than we need for a horror movie. I could see why it fit the book, but it feels like something we could do without on screen.

Verdict: 3 out of 5 stars

There are things about this movie that are misleading. First, you set this movie off the coast of Florida and a storm comes out of nowhere and disappears once this boat is capsized but there is (for whatever reason) no mention of the Bermuda Triangle. What’s up with that? Yes, I know the name of the boat is Triangle, but with the mention of Aeolus as the god of wind, you kind of could have set it everywhere, no? I’m just splitting hairs here, I guess.

Also, the minute that ocean liner pulled up, the hooks that normally hold up the lifeboats were DANGLING. In my mind, I went, “NO LIFEBOATS?! Ghostship.” I figured these folks were gonna be picked off one by one until our lead character – Jess, played by Melissa George – is The Final Girl. That is not the case, which leads us to our first plot twist.

—————————— SPOILERS BELOW THIS LINE ——————————

First plot twist: we’re in a fucking time loop movie. We won’t find that out until about 43 minutes in though. It’s a nice twist because once she kills the mystery murderer about two or three minutes prior, I was definitely beginning to feel like, “well now what? You’re the final girl and we’re barely a third of the way through.” After this reveal, we get three more twists that can be readily understood through the Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss framework.

Okay, so next plot twist is that apparently she’s an abusive parent. Oh my God, we went through all this and you’re a terrible mother?! Jesus fucking Christ. And then she kills the old version of herself and you’re like, “okay, so you’re just like magically not abusive now?” But then the first thing she does is tell her son he didn’t see what he thought he saw. Gaslight.

So then we see the over twenty seagulls and you’re like, “holy fuck, how many times have you gotten this far?!” But she’s like, “nah, I’m gonna pretend this never happened and obviously not tell anyone. Gatekeep.

And then! And then she kills her kid because she was yelling at him and drove into a truck. Because even though she killed an older version of herself, she did in fact NOT CHANGE. And so, when everything happens just as it happened before, she actually opts back into the timeloop, resetting everything into motion anew. Girlboss.

Okay so that said, there were a few things that I felt like were loose ends. And I can’t tell if I’m just not “getting” it or if they’re like actually unanswered questions. What prompts the time loop? Why is Jess the only one in it? I guess in the analogy with Aeolus and Sisyphus, she’s Sisyphus? I don’t know, I feel a little dumb on this, lol.

Anyway, a fun watch. 3.5 stars. Also the lead actress looks like a store brand Rachel McAdams.

I feel bad that no one will ever know how delightful this movie is, simply because it came out around the same time as Sinners, arguably the best horror movie in nearly a decade. Until Dawn is Helga Pataki and Sinners is her perfect older sister, Olga. I’m not gonna say we’re Bob in Miriam, I’m going to put that on the distributors.

The story? Perfect. The jump scares? Fucking terrifying. The ending? A happy one! Yay! (I would have been okay with the protagonist dying, but it’s nice that she lived.)

I do have a few more questions after seeing the movie

• So our crew survives, but is everyone else in that down just stuck in that curse? Yeesh
• It felt like there was also something supernatural going on, and not just the mine explosion, but we’re never really clued into what it is

Anyway, 4 stars out of 5.

Sophie Thatcher. She holds her own in Yellowjackets, but after Heretic, I’m sure you’ll understand that my damn near Pavlovian response to her face in a horror movie is skepticism. For Companion to work, you needed a lead who could really carry the weight of the movie. To her credit, she did that. I won’t say she blew me away, but she did a good enough job to wash the stench of Heretic off of her. Hats off, this is the last I’ll say about her because I’m in love with this story.

I want to talk about Josh and what a perfect villain he is. I feel like studios have recently figured out that “nice guys” are, in fact, the villain. I’m blanking right now, so I’ll revisit this because FUCK WHAT MOVIE DID I WATCH AND NOT PUT IN HERE. But I’ll give Companion more credit than the others because they do actually “show” instead of “tell.” Having watched the trailer beforehand, I already had my eye on that guy because, hi, you purchased a girlfriend. The novelty, the entire premise of “owning” a girlfriend is, of course, about control. And they show that to viewers the first time in the app settings for Iris. Throughout the movie, we’re watching his controlling nature evolve and intensify, but it was there from the start.

(Also lol @ them playing “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls when she’s first delivered. Smh.)

I think Patrick and Eli are a lovely wrinkle when it comes to the premise of control, where Eli is presented as Josh’s opposite because he has absolutely and genuinely fallen in love with his robot. Still, at the end of the day Eli has ultimate control. It feels like a genuine love because Eli promises Patrick that he would never control him in that way, but at the end of the day, it’s obviously still not a level playing field.

I was also pretty into the heist element of the movie. It’s not a bad plan, and that Russian dude ultimately being a sod farmer is hilarious. Third act blah blah blah blah blah.

Companion ended up being a fun way to spend 90 minutes. Slightly better than average, hats off all around. 3.5 stars out of 5.