I loved it. As always, qualms first, good stuff after.
Are you gonna eat that? Tilman Singer didn’t finish his food movie! There are some loose ends that are never tied up and not in a (pirate voice) “haha, leave ‘em beggin’ fer more!” sort of way. More like, “Ah shit, I thought I was gonna have time to eat everything, but I guess I’ll just eat the meat and leave the rest” sort of way. Starches and veggies are there for a reason! And having a little something to wash it down with never hurt anyone! (Anyone else’s parents regularly offer the meat thing as a compromise?)
- Starch. We’re never clear on the level of the dad’s involvement. By the third act, we know that Luis (played by Marton Csokas) and Herr König (Dan Stevens) go way back. Does that mean he’s been an accomplice to Kreepy König’s evil plan the entire time? Or is he collateral damage that Kreepy König befriended in an attempt to get more test subjects, like a “friendly version” of what happened to Henry (played by Jan Bluthardt) perhaps? He could really be anything from the head honcho secretly pulling all the strings to just some fucking guy. This feels like a glaring omission that could’ve made the emotional arc of Luis and Gretchen’s story feel so much fuller. Like roasted potatoes.
- Veggies. Okay, so I’m not a biologist, but is Gretchen pregnant now or what? Did I miss this part of the exposition? She vomits gunk. Twice. Did that feral adolescent cuckoo lady knock her up or was that all foreplay? Even with the explanations Singer did give us, I feel like I’m still missing key parts of the birds and the
bees ladies. Go with it. [EDIT: I was reminded that she won’t be preggers unless the eggs are fertilized.]
And then there’s Beth. Beth, are you dead? Are you okay? What was it exactly that happens to surrogates when their children come of age? And what does “of age” mean, like what’s going to happen to Alma?
Also, Kreepy König, if you’re worried about these specific birds going extinct, then how does making a bird/human hybrid keep that from happening? You created a new species, you didn’t save an existing one.
- Digestif. I like that this is a French word because what exactly is this Parisian lady’s plan at the end of the movie? How old are you? Assuming you’re the same age, are you thinking that you and your almost one-night stand are going to raise her kidnapped half sister together as she busks and grieves? Don’t you think Luis is going to want his daughters back? Well, at least the one? I’m afraid it’s always going to come down to the logistics for me, alas.
Alright, that’s what was missing. But there are other parts of the movie that felt like a four course meal to me.
- Appetizer. I didn’t watch Euphoria, so up until now, everything I’ve known about Hunter Schafer has been from queer tumblr gif sets and video clips on TikTok. I get the hype. I believed everything she was doing. Gretchen’s awkwardness, her heartbreak, her fear, her bitterness, her anger, her hope – Hunter Schafer delivered on every single moment with the subtlety and nuance that a young character like that needs. It could’ve been very easy for Singer to write a one dimensional, angsty grieving teen, but he gave her enough depth and then Schafer ran with it and made Gretchen someone whose emotions felt very visceral to me as I was watching it.
- Soup/Salad: Dan Stevens, you evil fuck. This is the first thing I’ve seen him in, so congrats Dan, seeing your face will always make my hairs stand on end while I reach for the nearest blunt object. He was great, just oozing awfulness. Genuinely hope I never see him in person.
- Entrée: The heart of this movie is the relationship between Gretchen and Alma, played by Mila Lieu. Oops, I’m crying again. I actually won’t go into detail here, but know that their relationship alone makes the movie worth seeing, everything else is gravy. Their relationship makes Cuckoo a family drama hidden in a horror mystery and I love that for us.
- Dessert. I was in my feelings this entire movie. Either I was terrified because of the creepy cuckoo ladies running around or I was heartbroken because Gretchen’s dad is a dick or I was in tears because Alma loves her sister so much. I felt this movie in my body, and I loved that.
Verdict: For the overall movie, I’d give it 4 out of 5 stars. I think it’s worth noting that this feels more like a drama around the heartstrings of Gretchen and Alma’s evolving relationship than a straight horror, but that’s what I liked about it.
Overarching horror journey thought: Out of everything I’ve watched so far, the only horror movie I’ve seen in theaters has been Trap, and there are practically no jump scares in that one. The ones in Cuckoo are genuinely terrifying. I think this was the first time I felt the full effect of the jump scare: in a dark room, waiting for a moment that you can see being set up, and then being scared shitless anyway. I loved it. In addition to the startle, the imagery itself that is revealed is also scary as shit. People’s faces shouldn’t be able to contort like that!
Being startled by a terrifying, large image while being surrounded by the sound of a snarl from all sides made me realize how much I’ve been unintentionally mitigating the scare factor by watching all of these movies on my laptop, sometimes in the full light of day.
I’m thinking I need to upgrade my movie watching set-up. Should I get blackout curtains and some poor man’s version of surround sound speakers? Should I invest in an armchair? I’m also realizing I’d need a television. Or perhaps even a projector? I need a place to live 😃
