I did not finish Titane. To say that this movie was not for me would be like me saying that sucking off ten dudes at an NRA convention wouldn’t be my first choice of how to spend a Saturday morning. It’s accurate, but fails to convey the speed and terror with which I would sprint in the opposite direction. In the center of the Venn diagram of both of these activities, i.e. watching this movie and blowing conservatives, sits the question: “why would I do this to myself?”
It is not to say that others wouldn’t find joy in such activities, but I am simply not among them. As such, I will not rate this film. It contributed to my horror journey by letting me know that some shit is just too weird for me. I am not cool enough to embark on a journey where a woman fucks a car and is then impregnated by said car. I no longer care about who she’s killed, how she’s done it, what she’ll do next – any of it. You’ve lost me. Good luck on your future endeavors and your baby car children.
I will say that I’m glad this is the second Julia Ducournau film that I’ve watched, because if this was the first, then I would have steered clear of Raw like the plague. And I fucking loved Raw, so there’s that. Fuck the French, I guess 🇭🇹
There’s a lot I can get into about this movie, but I’m sure a Google search will hit all the highlights that I loved blah blah blah. I want to tell you about what fucked with me the most.
“You could have taken me with you.” It’s sad when she first says it, but when we get the final reveal, holy hell. Days later, I was at the grocery store and remembered the raspy, “You could’ve taken me with you.” Driving to work, it hit me again. Brushing my teeth. It was like I was grieving. I was grieving with Lupita about what might have been, what maybe didn’t have to happen, what could have happened instead. Would any of it even have been possible? “You could have taken me with you.” This is what it means to be haunted by a movie, a character, a sentence. The stare-at-a-wall-and-contemplate-your-humanity of it all is damn near overwhelming. Jordan Peele managed to haunt me by having me grieve a reality none of us even got to see. 5 stars.
I checked the runtime an hour into this movie. You get to watch the antagonist dial his creepy meter all the way up while the hero gets dumber and more spineless up until the very end. My qualms:
Who does that? The annoying parts of this movie make me appreciate Nope all the more because why don’t you have a “fuck this” gene embedded into your DNA? Even if you’re dissatisfied with your life and full of ennui, as with Bjorn, why would you want to stay in someone’s house when you know they enjoy watching you and your wife fuck? Especially when it’s clearly the first time you’ve gotten laid in like years. And after everything Louise tells you, how are you still talked into staying? Idiot.
You call that a twist? Listen, the twist is exactly what you think it is: these freaks have done this shit before. A lot. Because of that, when Bjorn finds Abel in the pool, it’s a little startling, but not all that surprising. Same with kidnapping Agnes and cutting out her tongue. From there, killing Bjorn and Louise is the next logical step. How Karina and Patrick killed Louise and Bjorn was a surprise, but that was kind of it.
What we never get is the why. Why do all of this? How does Muhajid fit into your scheme and why is he on board? What exactly is the turnaround time on your whole kidnapping kids, killing their parents, and then killing them routine? I thought this would turn into some Ari Aster shit where maybe we’re worshiping an ancient god à la Hereditary or maybe we just have ancient fucked up traditions as seen in Midsommar. It’s neither. So I guess this is just Karina and Patrick’s kink? Well if that’s the case, I’d love to know how the hell they got this party started to begin with.
Verdict: For some movies, a remake is their only chance at redemption. I’m almost mad I wasted my time watching this. I would give this 0 stars if the actors hadn’t done such a fantastic job carrying this steaming pile of hot garbage on their backs. I hope they all have chiropractors. 1 star.
I did not like Frida, our main character. Not in a “Doug, I hope you die” way but definitely in a “we will never be friends” way. Why didn’t I like Frida? Glad you asked, I made a list.
She is irresponsible. Your super’s coming and you don’t have money so your roommate has to cover you and when it comes up you say, “oh, about that.” Drives me fucking nuts. The behavior of someone who knows her roommate’s got her, so it is what it is.
She’s mean. Okay, look, we’ve all had the friend who’s sneaking around with someone she’s not supposed to be sneaking around with. Do not randomly lash out at her while you’re at work and then say it’s because you don’t want to see her get hurt.
She’s selfish.YOUR HOMIE JUST GOT BITTEN BY A VIPER AND THERE’S NO HOSPITAL HELLOOOOOOO. Look, I’m sorry your childhood trauma has made you feel invisible. But the minute your snake-bitten friend says she wants out, y’all gotta dip, oh my god. I don’t want you to be a perfect friend, but you’re a bad friend!
All of this made me feel like Frida was in her early twenties, which is hilarious because they gave her Angela Bassett’s wig from 9-1-1.
WHY DID THEY GIVE THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL AN AUNTIE WIG?!
Are you twenty-four or fifty-four? Which is it?! Anyway, I didn’t like her. It’s also worth noting that all three of the examples above end up with her best friend Jess (Alia Shawkat) bearing the brunt of Frida’s bullshit, which will become relevant later.
And look: I get that we don’t always have to like our main character. I get that we should get to have women characters we don’t like. I get that perfect characters make for boring stories. But my point stands.
My beef with Rape Island is that it’s too real. If you read enough horror short stories, you’ll find a seemingly endless stream of them that end with “And then he kills her!” It’s always a bit of a let down because it feels more realistic than creative. You’ve already taken us on this otherworldly journey, why stop now?
Here’s the world that I know: when I went to UCF, it was common knowledge that one of the fraternities on campus had a rape room. You think in a world of Jeffrey Epsteins, there isn’t going to be more than one Rape Island? Now the magic potion becomes roofies, the private island becomes an Epstein Island, and just like that I’m no longer in a fantasy world of Blink Twice: I’m back to our exact reality and they’re one and the same. That sucks. We’ve gone from a horror movie to historical fiction and it’s not what I signed up for. BOOOO.
And then audiences are treated a rape scene from the victim’s point of view. I suppose that’s the shocking part, the horrific part. It just made me feel ill. I know it’s not supposed to make audiences feel good, but I was excited for a more sci-fi/fantasy reveal.
There is a Message to this movie and I can see how for the message to get across, it kind of needed to be Rape Island and not a “we’re doing secret experiments on you like M. Night Shyamalan in Old” island.
The movie I wanted versus the movie I got. Two scripts diverge in the woods: one is a film that has me eating out the palm of its hand like a rabid, gore-starved monster and the other is Blink Twice. It’s fine. I’m fine.
We all know the horror trope of The Final Girl. I think it would have been fucking stellar for Kravitz to have given us a little bit more. Oh, you thought you were gonna get a final girl? How about four or five. It would have been a triumphant and beautiful subversion of expectations. And – at least in the opening night, sold-out theater that I was in – people would’ve eaten that shit up.
This times four!!! I want it! Give it to meeeeee
When the ladies first started stabbing these dudes and killing them and shit, people were cheering. And then Heather (Trew Mullen) gets killed and it’s a complete vibe shift. I think I heard someone behind me whisper, “she can’t be dead,” which is clearly what Kravitz wanted and she delivered a really potent emotional shot. Mission accomplished but this mission sucked. God it would’ve been so fucking cool.
That said, she did give us two Final Girls, which is more than we normally get, so yay I guess.
Why was Alia Shawkat here? As one dimensional as her best-friend-canary-in-the-coal-mine character was, literally anyone could’ve done this role. I’m not saying she shouldn’t be getting her paper, I’m saying: if I have Alia Shawkat at my disposal, you bet your sweet ass she’s going to do a lot more than get high and go home. But idk, maybe that’s all that she wanted to do. I feel a little like Kravitz Drew Barrymore’d us à la Scream so maybe that was the goal? Not sure, seems odd, lol.
Alright, here’s the good shit:
I’m in love with Adria Arjona. My first conscious memory of seeing Adria Arjona was on a billboard for Netflix’s Hit Man. I thought she looked like the Sofia Boutella version of Penelope Cruz. And then I watched Hit Man and she was fucking delightful on screen. Palpable energy, excellent comedic timing, just fucking great.
I know people will be talking about Naomi Ackie and Channing Tatum’s performances – as well they should. But Adria Arjona breathed so much life into the second act of this movie to the point where we might’ve even forgotten we were watching a horror film. I’m excited to see Adria Arjona in more stuff, she’s fun to watch.
Oh shit, I’m in Twist City! Twist: none of the girls actually know each other. Twist: you’re on Rape Island. Twist: you and your new friends are killing all the dudes who brought you to Rape Island. Twist: YOU’VE BEEN TO RAPE ISLAND BEFORE? TWIST: CREEPY CLEANING LADY HAS BEEN TRYNA HELP YOU OUT THIS WHOLE TIME?! TWIST: GEENA DAVIS IS ONE OF THE FEMALE CHAUVINIST PIGS THAT BOOK IS ABOUT?! (Lol actually no, that’s not quite what the book was about.) TWIST: YOU’RE THE WIFE OF A TECH BILLIONAIRE WHO IS NOW YOUR PUPPET. I love a good twist and here I have a baker’s dozen.
I was reminded that I’m a whore for gore. The scene where the dudes die was pretty fucking great. Graphic as shit, badass. My only beef is that I wish they’d gotten their asses kicked even more. Ten points.
I guess I should talk about the ending that I feel weirdly dispassionate about, to be honest. I got there as a viewer and was like, “sure, makes sense,” but it didn’t feel like a “fuck yeah!” She gets her revenge and does so in that it does have a badass flip to it. Still, I think the ending didn’t have the triumphant, emotional resonance I would’ve wanted. For example, if Jess had said something like, “one day I want to build an aquarium” in Act I and at the end Frida uses her billions to build the Jess Last Name Aquarium in her honor.
Verdict: I think Blink Twice will get a lot of comparisons to Get Out, but it didn’t nestle its way into my brain the same way. I’m not getting the PTSD movie flashbacks like I did have Peele’s directorial debut. In terms of lasting power, it feels pretty middle-of-the road to me. Still, it’s a fun movie (until it’s not) that gets its message across really well. It’s beautifully shot and the actors carried all of their roles in really chilling ways that’ll make you feel a little insane. And in that way, the execution is easy on the fucking eyes. Average-ish story + excellent movie making = 3.5 out of 5 stars. Sorry, Zoë, can’t give you the four.
Oh look at that, no contributions to my overall horror journey. This is probably why you’ve got the 3.
8/30/24 EDIT: I was talking to my friend Valerie about this over the phone and she interrupted me to say “stop yelling at me!” so I suppose I have stronger feelings about this than I thought. As it turns out, the ending did indeed piss me off. I just didn’t want to get into it because I was so tired of all the other shit. But it’s days later and I’ve slept twelve hours so here are all the reasons the ending sucked:
Frida gets hers, and…? Okay, so yay for Frida now getting all of her financial needs met. She’s powerful, she doesn’t have to worry about her super anymore, she’s rich. So what? Literally So. Fucking. What. Does she help Sarah get her big break? Does she do something to honor Jess? Like build a survivors’ center in her name? Does she take care of her family? No? This is revenge, it isn’t justice, and it shows that Frida, as cunning as she may be, is just as selfish at the end of the movie as she was at the beginning.
There’s no depth here. The way they’ve framed Frida’s triumph suggests this shit begins and ends with Slater King. Fuck you, do you think I’m stupid? Or is Frida stupid? Aren’t you curious who made the pills for him? And when you find that out, do you really think Slater King is the only motherfucker using these pills? This could’ve been the perfect set up to a revenge slasher sequel and I am irate that I’ve been robbed.
Actually taking the ending into account, my revised rating is 2.5 stars.
05/06/2025 EDIT: This movie continues to piss me off. Re-revising down to 2 stars.
I loved it. As always, qualms first, good stuff after.
Are you gonna eat that? Tilman Singer didn’t finish his food movie! There are some loose ends that are never tied up and not in a (pirate voice) “haha, leave ‘em beggin’ fer more!” sort of way. More like, “Ah shit, I thought I was gonna have time to eat everything, but I guess I’ll just eat the meat and leave the rest” sort of way. Starches and veggies are there for a reason! And having a little something to wash it down with never hurt anyone! (Anyone else’s parents regularly offer the meat thing as a compromise?)
Starch. We’re never clear on the level of the dad’s involvement. By the third act, we know that Luis (played by Marton Csokas) and Herr König (Dan Stevens) go way back. Does that mean he’s been an accomplice to Kreepy König’s evil plan the entire time? Or is he collateral damage that Kreepy König befriended in an attempt to get more test subjects, like a “friendly version” of what happened to Henry (played by Jan Bluthardt) perhaps? He could really be anything from the head honcho secretly pulling all the strings to just some fucking guy. This feels like a glaring omission that could’ve made the emotional arc of Luis and Gretchen’s story feel so much fuller. Like roasted potatoes.
Veggies. Okay, so I’m not a biologist, but is Gretchen pregnant now or what? Did I miss this part of the exposition? She vomits gunk. Twice. Did that feral adolescent cuckoo lady knock her up or was that all foreplay? Even with the explanations Singer did give us, I feel like I’m still missing key parts of the birds and the bees ladies. Go with it. [EDIT: I was reminded that she won’t be preggers unless the eggs are fertilized.]
And then there’s Beth. Beth, are you dead? Are you okay? What was it exactly that happens to surrogates when their children come of age? And what does “of age” mean, like what’s going to happen to Alma?
Also, Kreepy König, if you’re worried about these specific birds going extinct, then how does making a bird/human hybrid keep that from happening? You created a new species, you didn’t save an existing one.
Digestif. I like that this is a French word because what exactly is this Parisian lady’s plan at the end of the movie? How old are you? Assuming you’re the same age, are you thinking that you and your almost one-night stand are going to raise her kidnapped half sister together as she busks and grieves? Don’t you think Luis is going to want his daughters back? Well, at least the one? I’m afraid it’s always going to come down to the logistics for me, alas.
Alright, that’s what was missing. But there are other parts of the movie that felt like a four course meal to me.
Appetizer. I didn’t watch Euphoria, so up until now, everything I’ve known about Hunter Schafer has been from queer tumblr gif sets and video clips on TikTok. I get the hype. I believed everything she was doing. Gretchen’s awkwardness, her heartbreak, her fear, her bitterness, her anger, her hope – Hunter Schafer delivered on every single moment with the subtlety and nuance that a young character like that needs. It could’ve been very easy for Singer to write a one dimensional, angsty grieving teen, but he gave her enough depth and then Schafer ran with it and made Gretchen someone whose emotions felt very visceral to me as I was watching it.
Soup/Salad: Dan Stevens, you evil fuck. This is the first thing I’ve seen him in, so congrats Dan, seeing your face will always make my hairs stand on end while I reach for the nearest blunt object. He was great, just oozing awfulness. Genuinely hope I never see him in person.
Entrée: The heart of this movie is the relationship between Gretchen and Alma, played by Mila Lieu. Oops, I’m crying again. I actually won’t go into detail here, but know that their relationship alone makes the movie worth seeing, everything else is gravy. Their relationship makes Cuckoo a family drama hidden in a horror mystery and I love that for us.
Dessert. I was in my feelings this entire movie. Either I was terrified because of the creepy cuckoo ladies running around or I was heartbroken because Gretchen’s dad is a dick or I was in tears because Alma loves her sister so much. I felt this movie in my body, and I loved that.
Verdict: For the overall movie, I’d give it 4 out of 5 stars. I think it’s worth noting that this feels more like a drama around the heartstrings of Gretchen and Alma’s evolving relationship than a straight horror, but that’s what I liked about it.
Overarching horror journey thought: Out of everything I’ve watched so far, the only horror movie I’ve seen in theaters has been Trap, and there are practically no jump scares in that one. The ones in Cuckoo are genuinely terrifying. I think this was the first time I felt the full effect of the jump scare: in a dark room, waiting for a moment that you can see being set up, and then being scared shitless anyway. I loved it. In addition to the startle, the imagery itself that is revealed is also scary as shit. People’s faces shouldn’t be able to contort like that!
Being startled by a terrifying, large image while being surrounded by the sound of a snarl from all sides made me realize how much I’ve been unintentionally mitigating the scare factor by watching all of these movies on my laptop, sometimes in the full light of day.
I’m thinking I need to upgrade my movie watching set-up. Should I get blackout curtains and some poor man’s version of surround sound speakers? Should I invest in an armchair? I’m also realizing I’d need a television. Or perhaps even a projector? I need a place to live 😃
Fuck Doug, he should’ve died. A few reasons: this first one isn’t his fault, but the archetype of the annoying nerdy tech guy who has no other skill sets? Boring. I’m already done with you, my dude. I do get why he’s annoyed at the beginning, it seems like this vacation BLOWS. If I had to be stuck in a trailer because my father-in-law is a belligerent asshole, I would be an insufferable partner in the days following. However, that’s not the source of his being insufferable, so okay here are the actual reasons.
“Fuck your sister.” Are you serious, Doug? Here’s the thing, I’m honestly not even pissed he’s smoking. When Bobby points out that Lynn would be pissed, Doug could’ve just as easily said something like, “quitting is hard!” and I honestly would’ve been down. I kind of get Bobby thinking smoking is cool, but the minute some dude is like, “hey fuck your sister,” as my family, I expect you to throw hands. Bobby’s like sixteen or something so I guess it’s fine that he doesn’t, but it’s still annoying.
However, this is upsetting because it’s not just that you as my partner are LYING TO ME (oof, I’m getting pissed all over again) about quitting, but that you’re so nonchalant that you don’t even bother to cover your tracks around my family. That shows you don’t respect me and honestly you don’t respect my family. Fuck you, sir.
Doug is a goddamn creep. Really, you’re eyeing your sister-in-law? First of all, she’s also like, what? Seventeen? The potential for infidelity is bad enough, but to be into your wife’s kid sister? Get a fucking grip.
On top of both of those things, he’s got Annoying Fifties Husband in a Contemporary Setting Syndrome (AFHCSS). “Honey, can you grab my sweater?” “Honey, what’s for dinner?” I’ll excuse the second one ‘cause he’d spent the whole day walking god knows however many miles, but they definitely point to this early on. It’s when Brenda’s tanning and Lynn goes to sit with her: before she gets up, Brenda mocks her sister because, what is this shit. You’re a grown dude.
Doug’s only redeeming quality is that he cares about his daughter, which motivates him throughout the rest of the film. Dying for her would have been the ultimate redemption arc: go kick rocks, my guy.
And then! I watched the original and learned Doug was originally written as a wife guy. Nearly thirty years later, he’s turned into an absolute tool who ignores his wife and ogles his 17-year old sister-in-law so blatantly you’ll spend the rest of the movie rooting for his death only to be told he’s the hero. From the bottom of my heart: fuck you, Alexandre Aja.
It didn’t have to be this way!
Other things
Getting Katherine back from the village. I’m learning that, in addition to gore, I have a penchant for how-are-we-going-to-get-outta-here horror. This scene was very much my shit. I was feeling the tension in the pit of my stomach the entire time. Big Brain was creepy, Pluto was playing with Doug like a goddamn rag doll, etc. It was so fun and it was damn fantastic.
I think I wanted a different movie. Because I hated Doug so fucking much, I found myself wanting all these alternatives as he made his way through the mutant neighborhood. Maybe Pluto would decapitate Doug and Beast the Dog would save the baby. Or maybe he’d be bested by Lizard but Ruby would take Katherine to Bobby and Brenda. Or maybe he’d survive just long enough to bring Katherine back and then die as soon as he thinks she’s safe. Instead he has the moments with heroic overture music and epic framing and it just feels, I don’t wanna say unearned, but I think I’m just surprised how much I really disliked that character.
The (in)humanity! When Doug is killing Lizard, I had this thought of like, “no, no! You guys don’t hate each other! You hate the US Government, stop it!” And that would probably be true if the mutants hadn’t, erm, killed and eaten Doug’s whole family. And there’s this thru-line of Ruby being the most “humane.” She’s the one that Jeb the gas station attendant protects, among the least deformed among the mutants, and the one who helps save baby Katherine. On the other end of that spectrum, the last mutant we see die, Papa Jupiter, is actually the least deformed. Yet he’s the one in charge of everybody, apparently. I like the comparison between Papa Jupiter and Ruby because it’s kind of holding up a mirror to everyone. It’s saying, “hey, look even the most human among us can get our rocks off by eating passersby.” They’re deformed but ultimately they’re no less human than the family they have for dinner.
What the fuck was your plan? (Logistics) I do have one more sticking point. Let’s forget for a moment that the last shot lets audiences know that the survivors are being watched. How exactly did this dimwits plan to survive now that they’ve blown up the only shelter? WHY DID THEY BLOW UP THE TRAILER OH MY GOD?! There was a sink in there! You had water! Now you have no water! You’re in the middle of the goddamn desert, you don’t know where you are, you’re miles and miles from the nearest highway that, honestly, it didn’t look like anyone was using anyway. I know they made a sequel and I hope it’s just about how these traumatized morons get back to civilization.
The rape scene 😦 What rape scene 🙂
Verdict: Glad I watched it because now I know what people are talking about, but I did not enjoy it. However, I am now curious about the original. 2 out of 5 stars.
Gross. This movie made me feel queasy throughout. I definitely had moments where I couldn’t look at the screen.
Excellent. When I think of the story, I legitimately wouldn’t change a thing. When I think of the actual movie making, I wouldn’t change a thing. Honestly, even the way the movie sounds makes me feel like I have a rash.
Ze tension. How much time is too much time to wait for the other shoe to drop? How about throughout the whole film? If I watched this movie everyday my asshole would be so jacked it could lift weights.
Pretzel levels of twisted. Sometimes, in an effort to keep you guessing, a movie will give you like seventeen twists after another. When done well it leaves you breathless, but sometimes you get a crick in your neck from the whiplash. Instead, Ducournau gives us two and a half twists, each one what-the-fuckier than the last. The half twist is, of course, the premise of the flim: vegetarian-turned-cannibal. Whoopsies!
Then Justine gnaws on her sister’s finger. Uh-oh: she’s been found out. But then her sister takes her to the road we see in the opening of the movie and does the thing that we saw Justine do. And you’re like “what the fuck – WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU TOO?!”
And it’s an amazing twist, not just because it’s surprising, but because you find yourself asking so many more questions about the implications of Justine not being the only one. Is it genetic? Is everyone at this vet school a freak? Is it just the sisters?
And finally, in the last five seconds of the film, we see the dad’s reveal and for the first time, we actually get the full story. That’s bonkers. We don’t know the whole truth until just before the credits. Fuck me.
Verdict: Disgusting, I loved it. Julia Ducournau could literally eat my heart out of my chest and I’d let her as long as she promised to film it and put it in her next movie. Luckily that won’t be necessary: she has other films. Anyway, this was a revolting, visceral experience. 5 stars and it’s a no-brainer.
I am putting these two together because I ran into the same problem with both: everything I knew about them, I learned from the Scary Movie parody franchise. As such, I didn’t come into either of them fresh and ended up laughing at the scenes that had been parodied, alas. Seems like it would’ve been pretty cool to come into without knowing all the spoilers and details.
The first two thirds of this movie were amazing. I have two primary qualms about the third act.
What exactly was the plan here? When Cooper reveals himself to be the killer to Lady Raven, it’s a great way of getting out of the arena. But then what? He can’t exactly kill a pop super star without people noticing. And there’s no way he was going to let her go, just so she could name him to the police. For as calculated as he is, it would’ve been nice to say a sort of I-rigged-your-car-to-blow-up plan fall apart. At least it would have made sense for his ultimate goal of continuing to live his normal life.
The ending twist wasn’t twisty enough. I feel like the big twist was a let down because of the way I was set up. Here’s the set-up:
We’re at their home when the profiler approaches Rachel and asks if she wants a ride to her sister’s so she can be with her kids. Rachel declines. Immediately my brain does the Cardi B voice and says, “That’s weird……….that’s suspicious” because in a movie like this one it IS weird and it IS suspicious, thank you Cardi. Then the profiler leaves and Rachel is alone in the house and she puts on a pot of tea. Is it to calm her down? Or is she expecting company? Something else?
Then Cooper (Josh Hartnett) enters and I am at the edge of my seat. Having Rachel and Cooper alone in this scene strips away any need for pretense. There are no kids, no cops: we’re about to get the real deal between the both of them. Was Rachel the mastermind and Josh the executioner? Is he afraid of her now that he’s potentially gotten them both caught? Or had he done this before, she found him out, and he promised to stop but continued and now she’s had it? Or perhaps she was the killer the whole time and he’s just clean-up crew? What is it?! Because I’m not buying those whole doting housewife of a local firefighter hero act. I am foaming at the mouth Rachel, reveal yourself and your unsavory underbelly, I want to see it!!!
But no. Rachel doesn’t have an unsavory underbelly, what Rachel had was a hunch. She’s the one who tipped the cops off about the concert. That’s it. That’s the big twist. Did I mention that Rachel is played by Alison Pill? It’s worth noting because you could’ve given this character so much more depth and complexity and I was disappointed because when it comes to this character, what you see is exactly what you get. She is the doting housewife we meet in her first scene and nothing else: she is as flat and one dimensional as she seems. Perhaps that’s the twist in itself, but I hated it and I found it boring.
A tertiary, less pivotal qualm: poor Saleka Shyamalan. One day she might be a really strong actor, but whatever day that is or was, it didn’t happen while they were filming Trap. In the third act she’s given the clunkiest bit of dialogue while trying to trigger Cooper and it ends up coming off as almost laugh-out-loud funny. The dialogue in that scene was already weak and she wasn’t a strong enough actress to pull it off.
Another thing that was strange was that, while Saleka Shyamalan and Ariel Donoghue are fourteen years apart in real life, they look the same age in the movie. The dialogue reflects the age gap and we certainly can’t blame actors for having good genes, but perhaps the make-up artists could have done more to age Lady Raven up a bit.
Okay wait, I do have one more. In the third act, HOW ARE THE COPS SO LAUGHABLY TERRIBLE AT THEIR JOBS. Listen, I do not have faith in cops. But usually cops in Hollywood are portrayed as having a baseline level of competence that we did not see here. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so exhausting. By the nine millionth time Cooper escapes you have me thinking, “REALLY?! AGAIN?!” How dare you have me rooting for cops Mr. Shyamalan, I trusted you.
Compulsory bootlicking aside, there was a lot I loved about Trap.
The angst! That scene with the underwhelming twist? Still carried so. much. tension. Like knot-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach tension. Josh Hartnett and Alison Pill made me so fucking uncomfortable together and I was almost unbearably anxious, so kudos to the two of them and to the script in this scene. I loved getting the insight into how Cooper’s mind worked, how murder was something far off from him and how it was about to be personal for the first time. I love that Trap presents us with a character who is a terrible person (for the murders and such, duh) and a loving parent who’d do anything for his kids.
Truly, the angst! I really was on the edge of my seat the entire time they were in the arena. It was cool to see how Cooper’s mind worked and how easily he was able to charm and lie his way out up until the very end of the second act.
One last note: I think we should give M. Night Shyamalan credit for being a funny dude. This wasn’t a horror comedy, but there were some funny moments in there. And it was weird and out of place because the humor didn’t feel like it served to diffuse any tension, it was just there. Why was it there, M. Night Shyamalan? I honestly think the answer is simply “for the lolz.” He put random shit in there ‘cause he thought it’d be funny and he was right. What a dork. What a weirdo. I didn’t love the ending, but I think I love you, sir. Thank you for this movie, my cortisol levels do not appreciate you, but I do.
Verdict: 2.5 stars. Fuck you for the third act and how we got there but thank you for everything else.
