Category: Alexandre Aja

Knee jerk: FUCK DOUG HE SHOULD’VE DIED. Okay, I’m calm now.

Fuck Doug, he should’ve died. A few reasons: this first one isn’t his fault, but the archetype of the annoying nerdy tech guy who has no other skill sets? Boring. I’m already done with you, my dude. I do get why he’s annoyed at the beginning, it seems like this vacation BLOWS. If I had to be stuck in a trailer because my father-in-law is a belligerent asshole, I would be an insufferable partner in the days following. However, that’s not the source of his being insufferable, so okay here are the actual reasons.

• “Fuck your sister.” Are you serious, Doug? Here’s the thing, I’m honestly not even pissed he’s smoking. When Bobby points out that Lynn would be pissed, Doug could’ve just as easily said something like, “quitting is hard!” and I honestly would’ve been down. I kind of get Bobby thinking smoking is cool, but the minute some dude is like, “hey fuck your sister,” as my family, I expect you to throw hands. Bobby’s like sixteen or something so I guess it’s fine that he doesn’t, but it’s still annoying.
  
  However, this is upsetting because it’s not just that you as my partner are LYING TO ME (oof, I’m getting pissed all over again) about quitting, but that you’re so nonchalant that you don’t even bother to cover your tracks around my family. That shows you don’t respect me and honestly you don’t respect my family. Fuck you, sir.
  
• Doug is a goddamn creep. Really, you’re eyeing your sister-in-law? First of all, she’s also like, what? Seventeen? The potential for infidelity is bad enough, but to be into your wife’s kid sister? Get a fucking grip.
  
• On top of both of those things, he’s got Annoying Fifties Husband in a Contemporary Setting Syndrome (AFHCSS). “Honey, can you grab my sweater?” “Honey, what’s for dinner?” I’ll excuse the second one ‘cause he’d spent the whole day walking god knows however many miles, but they definitely point to this early on. It’s when Brenda’s tanning and Lynn goes to sit with her: before she gets up, Brenda mocks her sister because, what is this shit. You’re a grown dude.
  
• Doug’s only redeeming quality is that he cares about his daughter, which motivates him throughout the rest of the film. Dying for her would have been the ultimate redemption arc: go kick rocks, my guy.

And then! I watched the original and learned Doug was originally written as a wife guy. Nearly thirty years later, he’s turned into an absolute tool who ignores his wife and ogles his 17-year old sister-in-law so blatantly you’ll spend the rest of the movie rooting for his death only to be told he’s the hero. From the bottom of my heart: fuck you, Alexandre Aja.

It didn’t have to be this way!

Other things

Getting Katherine back from the village. I’m learning that, in addition to gore, I have a penchant for how-are-we-going-to-get-outta-here horror. This scene was very much my shit. I was feeling the tension in the pit of my stomach the entire time. Big Brain was creepy, Pluto was playing with Doug like a goddamn rag doll, etc. It was so fun and it was damn fantastic.

I think I wanted a different movie. Because I hated Doug so fucking much, I found myself wanting all these alternatives as he made his way through the mutant neighborhood. Maybe Pluto would decapitate Doug and Beast the Dog would save the baby. Or maybe he’d be bested by Lizard but Ruby would take Katherine to Bobby and Brenda. Or maybe he’d survive just long enough to bring Katherine back and then die as soon as he thinks she’s safe. Instead he has the moments with heroic overture music and epic framing and it just feels, I don’t wanna say unearned, but I think I’m just surprised how much I really disliked that character.

The (in)humanity! When Doug is killing Lizard, I had this thought of like, “no, no! You guys don’t hate each other! You hate the US Government, stop it!” And that would probably be true if the mutants hadn’t, erm, killed and eaten Doug’s whole family. And there’s this thru-line of Ruby being the most “humane.” She’s the one that Jeb the gas station attendant protects, among the least deformed among the mutants, and the one who helps save baby Katherine. On the other end of that spectrum, the last mutant we see die, Papa Jupiter, is actually the least deformed. Yet he’s the one in charge of everybody, apparently. I like the comparison between Papa Jupiter and Ruby because it’s kind of holding up a mirror to everyone. It’s saying, “hey, look even the most human among us can get our rocks off by eating passersby.” They’re deformed but ultimately they’re no less human than the family they have for dinner.

What the fuck was your plan? (Logistics) I do have one more sticking point. Let’s forget for a moment that the last shot lets audiences know that the survivors are being watched. How exactly did this dimwits plan to survive now that they’ve blown up the only shelter? WHY DID THEY BLOW UP THE TRAILER OH MY GOD?! There was a sink in there! You had water! Now you have no water! You’re in the middle of the goddamn desert, you don’t know where you are, you’re miles and miles from the nearest highway that, honestly, it didn’t look like anyone was using anyway. I know they made a sequel and I hope it’s just about how these traumatized morons get back to civilization.

The rape scene 😦 What rape scene 🙂

Verdict: Glad I watched it because now I know what people are talking about, but I did not enjoy it. However, I am now curious about the original. 2 out of 5 stars.